i had no idea that being single was a process. well. it may not actually be a process, but ever since breaking up with Colin in May of 2010, learning to be in relationship with Jesus.. just me and Him.. has been a process.
fall 2010 was the beginning of the balance between what my flesh wanted and what my spirit wanted. it was learning to take time to spend with the Lord. staying in on a friday night instead of partying. sacrificing some of my social life for promises I’d made to the Lord about our time together. this was really stripping off outer layers of our relationship.
spring 2011 was another layer. i realized that i was still walking the world/heaven line. I wanted both. i wanted Heaven to invade my heart and i wanted to have what the world had to offer. i realized that i was allowing guys in the world to romance me but i would not allow the Lord to do so. and even when i did, the way i acted said that the Lord’s affections were not enough for me. that is not the true cry of my heart. but i sure acted like it was. late in the spring and most of the summer of 2011 was learning to be obedient in the time God asked me to set out for him. a wonderful guy came into my life and i learned what the beginnings of a relationship should look like, but i also learned what it looked like to stop the relationship when the Lord said no and how to deal with all that afterwards without pursuing my flesh desires. and for the first time in my life i said no when a boy tried to kiss me. one small step for some people, one huge step for Liz.
strip everything away, til all i have is you.
fall 2011 we start getting into the inner layers. the Lord deals with me on how to treat guys in relationships. the Lord teaches me submission through guy friends and other male authority in my life. and at the end of the semester, the Lord starts working on my mind. my heart has had so much time to learn and grow and there is still learning and growing, but God starts dealing with how i need to be taking every thought captive and not just allowing my mind to wander and work and do it’s own thing.
and now, while still in the “thought training process” i find myself in this situation. it’s strange. i’m examining a close friendship i have with a guy friend. and i’m at this place where instead of allowing the unspoken flirtation to continue that i need to step up and ask for my brother in Christ to protect my heart. this. is. weird. but it’s not the first friendship that i had with a guy that had a blurry friendship line.
i wrote this text message earlier to a friend in regards to the situation:
it makes me sick to accept his little flirting things. i’m just doing it for attention. the Lord said no dating and i’m not honoring or protecting that by flirting or allowing him to flirt with me and i need him to protect me as well. I’d rather just be friends. it is my deepest desire to give my undivided heart to my Savior, Father and friend.. not some earthly guy who doesn’t want it.
i’m appalled by how much i’ve changed. the base desire was always the same: Jesus. i just needed to get out of my own skin to get to Him. I’m still working on that.. but recognizing that there needs to be a line even in the friendship is a huge step for me. i’m astounded by the work of the Lord.